While cleaning out my house I’ve come across some old writings. Here is one from 12 years ago, when I was 18.
“”” I didn’t sleep last night and I flat out feel like shit. I’ve been cursed with headaches nearly every day and today is no exception.
“Do ya’ll have a bathroom?”
I’m at work, sitting, desperate for money, otherwise I would have agreed to work until close.
“No sir, we don’t.”
I imagine putting up sticky netting, like a spiderweb, invisible to only children. I work in a temporary bookstore. Kids and retail means you really can’t pay me enough. The biggest crisis in the world is not AIDS. It’s not starvation, poverty, violence. All of these stem from our one real problem.
“Ya’ll ain’t got a bathroom? The store before ya’ll had a bathroom. What’d you do, blow it out?”
I get so tired of this. Americans and their urinary issues.
An amazing amount of people can’t shop in a place where a bathroom is not readily available. Speaking of stupid people & ignorance, my niece is coming tonight. 16 years old and in the 10th grade, she thinks she’s cool because she’s the only sophomore that can drive. She sees this as something great. I see this as she was too stupid to make it through preschool. She’s currently taking courses I took in eighth grade. I’m not bragging. But when I mention this her father said “it’s because of the blacks. They have to lower the standards for the blacks.”
I laughed. “So why is your white daughter struggling with such low standards?”
I wince at my headache. Dull pains progress into migraines. I desperately look at the clock. 7:25. About 2 more hours here. I hope to be in bed by 10.
Sometimes I imagine my forehead cracking like the ground during a drought. My scarlet blood seeping over my eyes and down my cheeks. In migraines blood swells into the brain, blood trickling out would cause sweet relief.
I can feel the pressure splitting my skull and I’m crying red. The walls are bleeding in my honor and the world goes black. life has ceased. I wipe the blood from my eyes and with my relief comes little diamonds that sing with voices so angelic I almost believe in God.
Life is one big interruption. I am dying. I am sinking. Free falling through eternity, towards the end of what we all thought went on forever. “””
It’s almost surreal to read over things you’ve forgotten about. To remember memories lost. To see who you were. I was so angry. I think I’m still angry, but in a different way. I see her, the younger me. I see her and I feel her pain. No matter how much time passes, I am still her.